I’ve decided to delve into the world of blogging for a number of reasons,
1. A live journal of our experiences raising a transgender child
2. To help other parents with resources and insight to how other parents might be feeling
3. To look back on later – a reminder of how far we’ve come
3. Eventually one day – he might read it and know that even in the hardest times in our lives, we’ve loved him no matter what.
This is Sam’s (names changed) and our story – Jack and Jill
In 2018 – At the age of 12 and in year 6, Sam formerly known as Samantha came to us, upset, crying and distraught
Samantha ‘I don’t want to wear the dress uniform to school’
Perplexed by it all – as Samantha had previously worn a dress all through her primary years (and in particular the past 5 years at a catholic school) we assumed that she was just having a bad day or just wanted a change in uniform to that of her peers wearing the formal shirt/shorts style.
We accommodated her, bought her the new uniform and life went on, with the minor hiccup hear and there of a full blown meltdown if the uniform was not ready and the possibility of having to wear the school dress occasionally.
We began to notice an increase of behaviour and mood changes. Frustration, anger, tears seemed to become a constant in our home of 6 – things were rapidly deteriorating for our little Samantha and we failed to be able to extract at that time why.
Over time – smaller changes happened. Refusing to wear dresses, wanting a shorter hair cut….we didn’t really think too much about it. We kind of leaned toward Samantha being gay – being a more masculine persona.
We are very open minded and accepting parents, we encourage open conversations with our kids – their sexuality has never been a barrier to our love for them
At year 6 formal – Samantha decided to wear a black suit. Again, us running with the thinking that she was just a more masculine lesbian. Things plodded along for us – Samantha went off to high school and we thought all was well in the world.
Samantha continued to dress in girls clothes but only shorts and shorts – dresses were entirely off the table …there was NO COMPROMISE.
High School is tough – it’s hard to fit in at the best of times. Samantha started year 7, friends from school moved to high school with her. She had an establish group of friends – things were going fairly well.
About 3 months into the year, Samantha came to me for one of our talks – she cried her heart out as she struggled to tell us what was happening. So much reassurance, and reminding her that she was free of judgement – and then it happened
Samantha ‘mum, I don’t want to be a girl, I should be a boy’
It was a shock – I’d be lying if I said we were instantly accepting and I’m not ashamed of that. This was a very new concept for us – we had never met any trans people, never spoke of it, but to hear our daughter say it was hard. We questioned her,
‘Are you sure!? Maybe you’re just the ‘male’ type of a gay relationship and that’s ok
‘I think your confused about your sexuality’
‘It’s ok to be gay, you don’t have to be a boy to like girls‘
Obviously looking back on this conversation we see our initial mistakes – WE confused GENDER with SEXUALITY!
The first 24hrs were a flurry of conversations and irrational thoughts by 2 blindsided parents
‘Did we do this?‘
‘We always joked she was the boy we never had’
‘Have we encouraged this’
‘I think she’s just confused and gay’
As a parent – you always put your children first, you feed them first, you spend your last $5 on them, you hug them when they’re feeling bad – you don’t expect them to be the one to support you, but she did. It wasn’t our fault, she just knew for a long time something wasn’t right, it wasn’t a phase, it wasn’t being gay – she was meant to be a boy!
I’ll admit – and sure, feel free to judge me – I watched a current affair and 60 minute expose’s on trans children, full of judgement at those parents, eye rolling at children who thought they had any idea about their gender, ‘allowing’ the child to dictate to the parents and parents pacifying their whim assumedly for their own tree hugging agenda …YES I WAS THAT PERSON! And within minutes that ever so abruptly changed!
My love for my child has never wavered and even right their in that moment facing my own biases – being conflicted, questioning every word I’d ever said that she might have heard, I looked into the big green eyes filled with tears and raw emotion and knew that in her heart – she wasn’t a girl…she was a boy.
Transparenting 